From Parent to Emotional Coach: Helping Your Child Develop Emotional Intelligence
When children face “big emotions” for the first time it can be extremely difficult for them to understand how to process those feelings and, in turn, how to react and work through them in healthy ways. Many parents want to love and support their children’s mental and emotional health but find themselves at a loss when these big emotions strike. In these circumstances, it can be helpful to see yourself as an emotional coach alongside the role of parent. An emotional coach can teach their children how to face and work through big emotions while also disciplining them if these big emotions cause harmful behavior. For example, a child facing high levels of anxiety may lash out in the form of a temper tantrum or anger toward their sibling(s) but in reality, they just don’t know how to handle the stress they feel. To your child, the anxiety could be compared to the fear we as an adult might have if we saw a shark swimming near us in the more shallow part of the ocean! Any typical adult would probably start spiraling, hoping and praying for a way out back into safety. Similarly, if a child with little emotional intelligence faces unknown emotions they may act out but deep down they are screaming to be more regulated and back to safety.
Meghan Owenz of The Gottman Institute, a well-known research-based group, discusses five important steps that can be helpful as you begin coaching your child when these big emotional moments strike.
First, parents can start to be aware of their children’s emotions. Remember, it is not a sprint, it is a marathon with your child. It will take time to learn their emotions and why they are having them. Also, each child is different in their expressions. Observing, listening, and acknowledging those feelings should be your primary focus. Familiarize yourself with your child’s emotions and understand their effect on your child. Slowly beginning to understand when your child’s emotions come into play with their unique reactions and external coping mechanisms can better help you be prepared to emotionally coach them on how to healthily process the situation.
Secondly, parents can think of these emotions as an opportunity for deeper connection and teaching moments with their children. Slowing down the moment and opening up the conversation to coach your child through the challenging feeling will breed empathy and trust, both ultimately helping to foster a deeper connection.
Thirdly, it is so important to listen and validate your child’s feelings. Again, slowing down the situation and giving your child your full attention communicates that they are important and this situation is important. It is helpful to create the space for an open conversation about what they are feeling. Hearing and validating their emotions makes them feel seen, heard, and inturn breeds empathy.
This brings us right into step number four which would be to help your child label their emotions. In nearly every office of Raleigh Psychology, we have a feelings wheel that not only helps clients (of all ages) identify their specific emotions but also displays the various feelings often not acknowledged. The feelings wheel is a valuable tool that parents can bring into moments of big emotions to help their children understand and label what they are feeling. There are so many more emotions than the primary ones- happy, sad, angry, disgusted, fearful, and surprised. Showing your child this wheel and helping them understand the vocabulary they can use to identify what emotions look and feel like not only helps them process emotions but will also helps them to help others.
Finally, the final step that can oftentimes be forgotten is to help your child problem-solve. If you are noticing maladaptive behaviors as a result of these emotions, it is important to guide your child into a conversation about healthy coping skills so your child can learn how to set goals and develop emotional expression that is appropriate and healthy,
In conclusion, the next time you notice your child struggling with big emotions, slow down the situation and move forward as an emotional coach. Don’t worry if it seems to be challenging - just like your child is learning his or her emotions, you are learning to coach them through! Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint!
Sleep is Essential
By Emory Jordan, age 11
The recommended sleep time for a school-aged child (ages 6-13 years old) is 9-12 hours, but most kids do not get nearly that. Sleep can be helpful, restorative, and peaceful. It is a time to relax and let your body and brain recharge to get you ready to face the challenges of the next day. It is important to avoid is under sleeping. The National Institute of Health researchers have an ongoing Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) study that has found that children who get less than 9 hours of sleep had “more mental health and behavioral challenges… including impulsivity, stress, depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior and thinking problems”. Their research showed that the kids with less sleep also had less “grey matter or smaller volume in certain areas of the brain responsible for attention, memory, and inhibition control, compared to those with healthy sleep habits” (nih.gov). For kids to get enough sleep, the bedtime to aim for is from 8:00-9:00 pm and wake-up time around 6:00-8:00 am. Unfortunately, many parents and kids ignore because they are so busy, spend time on screens, or think ‘it’s cool’ to stay up late. Also, kids who do not get exercise of outside time during the day could find it difficult to get to sleep, so it is important to stay active. I personally find that reading a book in bed helps me relax and fall to sleep. If you or your child has sleep issues it is worth focusing on because lack of sleep can lead to problems with school, family, and friends.
Managing High School Stress
By Kealy Jordan, A High Schooler
As a high school student, mental health can be a big struggle. My school has a very competitive academic landscape, creating lots of pressure for students to take harder classes and get better grades. Ways that I have managed academic pressures are finding activities I can do that take my mind off of schoolwork. Examples include playing an instrument, moving my body through yoga or walks outside, and hanging out with my friends. I also love to take art and music classes that are not very rigorous, and allow me to be creative, giving me brain breaks in my day. As a student-athlete, time management can be a big struggle, and is something that I am still trying to work on. A big tool I have used is a weekly calendar, where I write down my tasks and events for the week, which helps me make sure I never forget an assignment. Another great tool I use is the 5-Minute Journal by the company Intelligent Change. This journal has a morning and night section, that you fill out each day. In the morning, I am prompted to write 3 things I am grateful for, 3 things that would make today great, and a daily affirmation to build confidence, thankfulness, and a positive mindset for my day. At night, I write 3 things that I enjoyed, and what I learned that day. This helps me reflect on my day and how different things made me feel. Having extracurriculars where I can be silly with my friends, like book club and my schools' YoungLife group, are very important to include in my schedule. In 3 years, I won’t remember that one math test I failed, but I will remember fun, carefree times I had with my friends. The biggest piece of advice that I can give is that worth is not found in your grades or performance. It can be so easy to feel as if you are lesser than somebody who got a better score on a test, but it is important to remember that you are just as valued, loved, and important as everybody else.
Teenage Boy Screen Time Tips
By Grady Jordan, a Teenage Boy
How as a teenage boy with a social life I average under 1.5 hours of screen time a day.
Now if that sounds like a lot to you, you might as well click off this article because nowadays if you average under 4 hours of screen time a day, then that’s good. I have some friends that average north of 8 hours and they see no problem with it! One trick is to delete any unnecessary apps because the biggest things that were increasing my screen time were the video games- Pokémon Go and Baseball 9. I do not play any video games on my phone but do enjoy NYT games (like Wordle and Connections). Once I realized I didn’t need these apps, and that they were consuming 75% of my screen time, deleting them dropped my screen time significantly. Another important thing is to be aware of the time you’re spending on your phone- for example, pay attention to the screen time tracker. Over half of my screen time was spent reading pointless articles that I didn’t need to be reading because they didn’t benefit me at all. Realizing that was pointless helped me to stop doing it. My last, and final, tip is to limit social media and mindless scrolling. Most of the content on TikTok is a waste of time. I don’t know how much of the articles about how screens melt your brain are true, but with all the dumb purposeless content on there, I am not too excited for the future when our leaders have a serious addiction to watching car wrecks and Subway Surfers gameplay on TikTok.
Giving Children the Gift of Discomfort
I hear it from parents, teachers, camp counselors, and daycare workers. It’s on Facebook, church websites, TikTok, and blog posts. They are all asking the same question–what is wrong with these kids? They are lonely, they can’t handle in-person interactions, and they don’t know how to navigate social situations. There are many different explanations–from the overuse of iPads to the lingering impacts of the Pandemic. While those issues should not be ignored, I would like to offer an alternative explanation–children do not know how to be uncomfortable.
Anna Lembke, a psychiatrist, puts it this way, “Have we both over-sanitized and over-pathologized childhood, raising our children in the equivalent of a padded cell, with no way to injure themselves but also no means to ready themselves for the world?” This is not just parents. We as a society have gotten pretty good at avoiding discomfort. After all, vulnerability is hard, embarrassment is real, and it is so much easier to avoid awkwardness than confront it.
Sammy Rhodes, a pastor, explains it like this, “We…are awkward because we long to be embraced as we are, not as we should be.” At the same time that we are putting our best image forward on social media, we want to be understood and loved as the messes that we actually are. This is an uncomfortable dichotomy to navigate, but learning how is an important part of life. If we never allow our children to learn how to sit in that uncomfortable dichotomy, we are doing them a great disservice. For example, I see children who are lonely because they do not know how to be appropriately vulnerable with people. I also see children who would rather sit in their room on their phone than talk to anyone in person because they feel that they might “mess it up” and it “would be embarrassing”.
So, how do we start this process of allowing our children a developmentally appropriate amount of discomfort? How do we help them learn to deal with awkwardness, be vulnerable, and sit in uncomfortable places? Drawing on both Lembke and Rhodes, I think there are several starting points.
Allow your children to be bored - Children often use the word “boring” as a synonym for “the worst thing ever”. Lembke says this, “Boredom is not just boring. It can also be terrifying. It forces us to come face-to-face with bigger questions of meaning and purpose.” Give your children a safe space in your home to be bored and face those big questions with you by their side.
Lead by example - Children are not the only ones who hate to be uncomfortable. Get out of your own comfort zone and bring your children with you. Do a service project as a family because there is an inherent vulnerability in serving others. Avoid picking up your phone in the grocery store line to stay open to interactions with strangers because your children will benefit from watching you navigate potentially awkward situations.
Be a safe place to fail - No one likes to fail at anything, but it doesn’t have to be terrifying. Make your home a safe place for your children to try things and possibly fail at them. If your child brings home a failing grade at school, don’t immediately try to fix it. Sit with your child in failure. Be willing to try (and fail) things for yourself. When failure is simply a part of life, it becomes something much less scary.
After talking about failure, encouragement is always welcome. Lembke talks about her daughter’s inability to hold a tune, and how they were watching a movie at one point with a character who also had no musical talent. Her daughter asks if she is like that character, and Lembke thinks, “What do I say? Do I tell her the truth and risk damaging her self-esteem, or do I lie and try to use the deception to kindle a love of music?” She decides to tell her daughter the truth–that yes, she does not have any musical talent. Her daughter’s response might surprise you. Lembke says, “A big smile broke out over my daughter’s face, which I interpreted as the smile of validation….In validating what she already knew to be true–her lack of musical ability–I encouraged her skills at accurate self-appraisal…I also sent the message that we can’t be good at everything and it’s important to know.” We have the opportunity to do the same with our children.
Lembke, A. (2021). Dopamine Nation. Penguin Random House.
Rhodes, S. (2016). This is Awkward. Nelson Books.