Unifying the Union
In order to have consistent connection and communication, couple’s should consider having a ‘meeting’, either every day or once a week. The well known couple’s therapist, John Gottman, calls this the ‘State of the Union’. If that name sounds too formal for you, you and your partner might consider something like ‘Couple’s Corner’ or ‘The 411’, whatever suits you!
During these regular meetings, you might discuss regular topics like finances or upcoming schedules or plans. But most importantly, this regular connection time should be used as an ‘emotional check in’. This means that each partner will ask the other one questions to touch base on how they are feeling that day or that week. The one sharing can talk about anything from the relationship, to work, to friendships, spirituality, etc. It is meant to be a safe space for partner’s to learn about each other’s inner world and feel understood.
Within the meeting, it is important to follow basic speaker/listener rules.
For specific structure, one might consider this template:
Listener: What’s going well for you this week?
-The speaker can answer with anything in regards to work, family, self, or wins within the relationship.
-Then the listener can respond with various phrases that show they are listening and validating. The listener’s responses can include, but aren’t limited to empathetic statements like:
-‘That’s exciting!’
-‘I can see you’re happy about that.’
-‘I can see that is very important to you.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
And follow up with questions like:
-’Has this happened to you before?’
-’How does that make you feel?’
-’Tell me more about that!’
-’Are there any other values coming up for you as you share?’
Listener: What’s not going well for you this week?
-The speaker can respond with anything, for example, work, family, self, or conflict within the relationship.
-The listener can follow up with more empathetic statements:
-‘Wow, that must have been very difficult for you.’
-‘I sounds like you’re saying that was a challenge for you.’
-’I hear you. That must be really hard.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
-And questions like:
-’What emotions did it bring up for you?’
-’How did my actions impact you?’
-’Did it bring up any values? Triggers? Or remind you of other stories in your life?’
-When has this happened before?’
-’Would you like advice? Or help problem solving? If not, I am happy just to listen and support.;’
Listener: How can I serve you this week?
This is where the speaker can share what would be helpful, practical, emotional or kind acts to help cultivate a smoother week for them or to implement desired connection.
(Examples include: Can you make dinner on Monday? It will be a busy day for me. Can you pick up the kids from school tomorrow? Can we go on a date? Can we have time guarded for us and intimacy?)
Then you swap turns and the speaker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker! And remember, it is conversation. You do not have to fit into this template perfectly, and there will likely be more than one response of the speaker and listener during each question. Remember that the purpose is to connect and help the speaker feel understood.
***(If the speaker brings up a conflict within the relationship, after the both partners have their turn being the speaker, the couple should consider problem solving, which can include questions like:
‘What do we agree on?’
‘What values do we have in common with this conflict?’
‘What is inflexible?’
‘What can we try to do differently next time?’
‘What is flexible?’
Top 10 Takeaways from “The Worry Free Parent”, by Sissy Goff
You are the biggest agent of change in your child’s fight against anxiety.
By Raeanne Johnson, CPNP-PMHS
You are the biggest agent of change in your child’s fight against anxiety.
Sissy Goff, LPC-MHSP is the director of child and adolescent counseling at Daystar Counseling Ministries in Nashville, TN. She has written several books and has a podcast called “Raising Boys and Girls” with colleague David Thomas.
The book is divided into three sections, Understanding the Past, Help for the Present and Hope for the Future. Each chapter concludes with a worry free takeaway and little pep talk from Sissy. There is also an accompanying work book which would make this a wonderful tool for small groups. This is written from a Christian worldview, but the strategies are applicable to all belief backgrounds.
1-Statistics on the prevalence of anxiety.
-30% of children and adolescence experience anxiety, 80% never receive help
-If a parent has anxiety, their kids are seven times more likely to deal with it
-Girls are twice as likely as boys to suffer from anxiety, but boys are taken in for
treatment more often.
2-CBT Triangle , what it is and how to use it.
3-Anxiety is caught and taught, both through our brain chemistry and how we relate to our kids.
4-Anxiety makes us attach future meaning to present problems.
5-Anxiety plus intensity equals micromanaging.
6-Five ways the anxiety of parents impacts kids
1-Sidecar parenting-my kid is *just* like me and we’re walking the same anxious road.
2-Backhoe parenting-always going behind and cleaning up after kids-very controling.
3-Snowplow parenting-always making life magical and easy for their kids.
4-Helicopter parenting-hypervigilant and fighting their battles, “overparenting”.
5-Parade float parenting-if I just keep them happy enough, they’ll never be anxious.
7-Neuroplasticity works and creating new pathways is possible-helpful info on amygdala and cortex.
8-Breathwork, grounding and mindfulness discussed at length.
9-Try softer, let the bottom 20% go.
10-Feelings are not facts, they don’t have to overwhelm or define you.
What is a “Couple’s Intensive”?
One type of service I love to offer as a therapist is an ‘intensive’ for couples. This is similar to regular therapy, meaning we do similar skills and interventions, but it happens at a consolidated time, usually a 3-5 hour block, 2 or 3 days in a row.
What are the benefits?
Great results! Typically, couples who engage in an intensive, have faster growth and research shows that most couples tend to improve on their goals and see changes within this focused time. This is a great fit for a couple who might be in crisis, seeking fast results, or is simply eager to connect with this focused time for a ‘tune up’.
It can be equivalent to 4 months of traditional therapy. This means that you save months of your time and energy and get to experience healing and connection within your relationship faster!
It is helpful with scheduling. It might be easier for someone to block two half days or a full day off work rather than having one hour a week off for months in a row. The schedule also helps with less interruptions in the growth (sick days, conflicting appointments, vacations, etc).
It enhances focus! Usually, in a couple’s session, it can take about 10 minutes for a couple to settle in, disengage from life or work responsibilities, touch base on a previous conflict from the past week, or engage with their emotions or really get into their issues. Within an intensive, this ‘warm up’ time only happens once, maybe twice, saving most of the time to focus on the goals of the couple and the interventions of the therapist.
Does this sound like a good fit for you and your partner?
Maybe this is your time to reach out to a couple’s therapist and schedule your first intensive!
Are You Spiritual?
If you are, you may be tempted to think therapy and spirituality are at odds. After all, many of us have heard of therapy nightmares where the prescribed treatment is “have more faith.”
Yet, we simply cannot trace all mental health struggles back to incorrect belief, suggesting that therapy will help us “believe better” and therefore make us “feel better”.
Consider a traumatic event on the news this week and the PTSD/anxiety/depression the person is now feeling, perhaps it is seeing a family living in a war-torn country. Faith may play a role in their recovery, but a lack of faith is not the cause of their symptoms. The presence of faith does not negate the need for therapeutic techniques.
This does not mean we must remove our faith from therapy. Perhaps there is an incorrect belief about God or themselves, resulting from trauma that impacts your spiritual life. In this case, identifying and challenging these beliefs would certainly have an impact on your spiritual walk.
Life throws some things our way that will be greatly helped by your relationship with God and the care of your community, but some of these things also require the additional specialty of a trained therapist.
Please fight the urge to view your need for therapy as a weakness or as a detour in your spiritual walk. Rather, view it as yet another step towards health and maturity. View it as a tool in your arsenal as you fight for an even stronger love for God.
Are you spiritual? Perhaps therapy is a part of your spiritual journey.
Consider asking your therapist how you can incorporate your faith tradition into your sessions.
Dear Pastor
Dear Pastor,
The way you care for your sheep inspires me and encourages me to do the same for my clients. The way you weekly listen to, encourage, affirm, and at times, challenge… The way you are open and honest, seemingly always on the clock and allow your life and heart to be interwoven with those you lead and serve… from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I know you don’t know me, but I have a request: Will you trust me with your sheep? Will you allow me to add to, not take away, from the hours and hours you have spent investing in this person’s life? I will not plant new ideas in their minds, or make them question their faith. My goal is to help them strengthen their faith and to live out their values in life. I will not take them away from your care. In fact, I think the best place for them to remain is in relationship with you and I will encourage them to share aspects of our discussion with their community.
Of course, I cannot share any information with you without my client’s permission, including their names. Yet, what I can share is my own heart/thoughts/techniques so that you can rest easy, knowing that your loved ones are in good hands. My goal is that we would be partners in the same goal of helping see the people for whom we care deeply, thrive and grow.
I look forward to meeting you. If we ever get together, coffee on me!