Bringing Your Newly Adopted Child Home - An Introduction
Building trust is the journey for all parents and their children, but with adopted children, this journey is particularly challenging. One of the most effective ways to build this trust is to create a loving, nurturing environment that best facilitates a loving, secure bond between you and your newly adopted child. In my book, Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home, 2011 (now out of publication) I referred to this process as “cocooning.” Cocooning not only helps develop positive attachment relationship between parent and child, it also helps to fill in the developmental needs your child missed in their first one to two years. This facilitates the crucial role of helping your child to “grow up on the inside.” Through cocooning, you make it possible for your child to begin maturing emotionally and developmentally.
The key to cocooning effectively is simple. Simple, but not easy. The key is to see your child through God’s eyes.Who is this child God has created? We can know, as King David did in Psalm 139:14, “. . . I am wondrously made. Wonderful are your works! You know me right well.” The key to cocooning is to discover the wonderful being God knit in her mother’s womb. As David cried out , “Search me, O God, and know my heart!” Cocooning will make it possible for you to search your child and to know her heart.
These ideas may run counter to what you think you should do with your child who is no longer an infant and who may even be a toddler or an older child. People in your life such as relatives, friends, pediatricians and social workers may frown upon these methods. You may find yourself alone in your conviction that giving your child and yourself the time and space to just be together, like when a new mother brings her infant home, is the most important thing you can do right now to solidify your child’s emotional development.
In this series, my desire is to give you the permission, support, encouragement and guidance to insulate you and your newly adopted child from the outside world and to be present in your relationship so you can raise your child who feels valuable, who is capable of having healthy and satisfying relationships, and who is able to be the person they were created to be. I hope you’ll join me on this journey of exploring cocooning!
Licensed Psychologist & Author
The Daily ‘Date’
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
A meal around the dinner table - You both have to eat, why not guard a time where it can happen together!
Tea time - Pick a time where kids can be asleep or preoccupied and work is put away and you two can have a reliable time where you sit together, sip something relaxing, and connect after a long day.
Walk the dog - A simple daily task or chore, but one that can be done alongside one another and made restful and purposeful.
Exercise - Be active and enjoy growing healthier physically and relationally at the same time.
Hug and kiss - Allow your partner to know that when you leave or return that you have a special way of greeting them.
Show appreciation - Show gratefulness when your partner cleans up the kitchen, drops off the kids, or serves you somehow in the midst of the chaos. Create patterns of thankful comments or notes so your partner can feel appreciated by you.
Reach out during the day - A simple text or phone call can go a long way to remind your partner that you are thinking of them or desiring connection even when life is busy.
Make this time your own! It can vary on how many minutes you do or what activity, but the point is that you and your partner can simply look forward to a guarded and guaranteed time where you are simply with each other and the rest of the world can wait.
Above All Else, Love
Amy Rauch, PsyD
Love. Above all else, love. “If we want to know what loving is all about, we have to imagine what it’s like to live inside their skins.” -Frederick Buechner.
ENGAGE in conversation with one another...ask honest questions and eagerly await the answers. The marriage experts, the Gottmans, call this in-depth knowledge of one another’s world —a Love Map. We love better when we can empathize deeply...the quote continues. “We have to try to listen to not just the words they speak, but to the words they don’t speak. We have to try to feel what it’s like to be who they are.”
Caution in Comparison
Amy Rauch, PsyD
CAUTION: Interpret social media posts carefully....as things are not always what they appear. I just learned that a friend from long ago has been in a terribly abusive relationship that included her husband having multiple affairs. Separated by much time and distance, I wouldn’t have anticipated that I would have heard from her directly, but I wondered if there had been any subtle indication on her facebook profile that I might have missed. I felt so sad thinking of the pain she had endured. Instead what I saw were photos of a seemingly perfect (incredibly photogenic!) family with proclamations of how wonderful he was as a man and husband.
One of the biggest pitfalls of social media is a tendency to share partial truths....and for the reader or peer to fill in the gaps. Kind of like the way we do when we’re dating. We know a little bit about the person and then fill in the rest in our minds with our hopes and dreams of how the person is or could be.
And oh, the comparison game....my husband doesn’t _________ like he does....if only my kids ________ like theirs or..... I wish we had the money to take trips like they do. You fill in the blanks. Endless ways we use social media for comparison that leave us feeling inferior, negative, and often prove detrimental to our own intimate relationships. I especially love the posts that make me feel like I know the many sides of people better...not just the shiny ones! And a lesson I won’t forget on filling in the blanks.
Feeling Unheard By Your Partner? Communication Strategies for Couples To Live By
By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA
Sometimes, couples get into ruts where they feel like it is difficult to connect, to understand, and feel understood by their partner. This can be caused by distractions, feeling overwhelmed, or simply poor listening skills. In order to combat this, take a break from the discussion to help relax and breathe before you revisit the conversation.
Or you can always consider a couple’s session to learn how to communicate or an individual session to help process your own emotions.
Until then, here are some simple tips to implement in communication with your partner:
Consider ‘Gentle Start Up’ - This means using kind language, a neutral tone, and using words that don’t attack or blame the other partner. Allow the longing or desire for your partner to shine through your words, rather than sharing just a complaint.
Use ‘I’ statements - These are statements like ‘I feel sad when I don’t get invited to go out with my friends.’ Or ‘I feel hurt when I don’t get a text that you are running behind’. This keeps the focus on the feelings or experience rather than blaming one another.
Reflect or Summarize - The partner who is listening can practice reflecting what the other partner is trying to express. This gives space and time for one partner to understand and for the other partner to feel understood. Try to validate and empathize with the other person’s feelings.
Ask Questions - The listening partner can ask questions to help clarify what the speaker is trying to articulate.
*** These simple tools are more about feeling emotionally connected, known, and understood. It doesn’t mean that coming to a solution or problem solving will be easy or come quickly, but feeling validated can help unite the partners to both feel safer when coming to a compromise or a decision.