What are you feeding your children this summer?
By Lindsay Jordan, LCSWA
As school winds down, I have been focusing on how to occupy my kids over the summer- orchestrating camp sign-ups, vacation weeks, and time with family and friends to keep them happy and give them a great summer after a difficult year. The rhythm of meals will also be impacted, as when my kids are home all day, they are constantly hungry, therefore I will need to load up on snacks, preferably with some nutritional value.
In addition to planning activities and sustaining their appetites, I aspire to consider what I am “feeding” my children in terms of their moral and spiritual development. Will I plan a summer that is motivated by keeping them entertained and happy, or will I go deeper and consider each of my children and the areas where their “school” learning could be supplemented with “life” learning? It is easier to go with the flow and allow the media they consume and the people around them to shape their core, but I want to consider ways to enter into their world and engage with material that will challenge and form them. This is not an easy undertaking as there are times when survival and maintaining the status quo is all I can handle, but it is a worthy goal.
Engaging our children on a deeper level does not need to be time-consuming or energy draining. Depending on your child’s age, involving the child in the planning process could encourage participation, like allowing them to choose between two books or values to study. The plan could be as simple as having a short reading and question of the day to explore more of your child’s thoughts, dreams, and feelings, or exploring a different value (i.e. honesty, empathy, respect, partnership, independence).
There are a plethora of good options, so what will matter most is not choosing the perfect resource but that a goal is developed and attempted and that connection with the child is deepened. In the past, a friend read through “The Children’s Book of Virtues”, or another friend read and discussed a part of Psalm 23 at lunch most days. Last summer, I chose a Bible verse for each of my children to commit to memory and another summer we read “Thoughts to Make your Heart Sing” by Sally Lloyd-Jones.
It is summertime, and summer is crazy, so it will likely not be seamless, but it will be a success if, at the end of the summer, there is some growth and a deeper connection with your child. Have fun with it and give yourself lots of grace!
Hamilton
By Andy Williams, LCSW
The release of Hamilton for home streaming was a highly anticipated event in our household this month. For the past 4-5 years, Hamilton’s music has served as the soundtrack to both the exciting and the mundane moments in the life of our family-- accompanying us on long roadtrips (when those were still a thing pre-COVID), and providing a welcomed distraction to homework completion and household chores, every lyric committed to memory. As my daughters grew older and their musical interests diversified, the soundtrack showed up less frequently in our playlist, but having never seen an original-cast performance of the show, we were excited for the opportunity, and the televised version did not disappoint!
While Hamilton traces the tragic arc of its namesake, it also provides a different way of experiencing the early years of our country, an era of cultural and geopolitical disruption marked by bitter political rivalries, severe social inequities, and intense and divisive visions for the future. The obvious parallels to our own time in history are what made this story so compelling and worth telling when the musical first premiered, and those parallels seem all the more striking in the midst of our current events.
I am neither film critic nor historian, but as a therapist I have found much in the retelling of our country’s early history and its connection to the current moment that resonates with the practice of therapy. While therapy has as its aim the promotion of safety, security, and wellbeing, it is fundamentally a disruptive endeavor. Regardless of the theoretical orientation or interventions that are employed, the person seeking and the person providing therapy are looking to create change of some kind, to disrupt patterns of thinking, feeling, acting, connecting, or just being in the world. Similarly, it is difficult to realize meaningful change in the larger systems in which we are embedded (social, political, cultural, global) without disruptive forces or events occurring, sometimes serving as the catalyst for change, sometimes as the result of change, and sometimes both.
Even when change is desired, whether it be in the creation of a new form of governance, the dismantling of unjust or oppressive systems, or the resolution of symptoms related to issues such as depression or anxiety, the process of changing is uncomfortable and often divisive. While we may no longer challenge others to a duel to resolve such divisions, we can see conflicts occurring even within ourselves as we strive for new behaviors or new attitudes while simultaneously being pulled back toward more familiar ways of being. For therapy to be effective, attention must be given to the change process itself, accepting the inherent contradictions and conflicting feelings that emerge along the way.
Alexander Hamilton, the character and the historical figure, understood that while change was disruptive and difficult, so too was staying put. Tragic as his story may be, it illuminates the idea that creation and disruption are two sides of the same coin, as true in therapy as it is in any other endeavor. With a nod toward Lin-Manuel Miranda’s brilliant lyricism, in the midst of significant change or upheaval, we can look for moments of quiet to pause and catch our breath, but the work that must be done compels us to keep pushing forward. It’s rarely easy, but if you’re interested I can recommend a good soundtrack to keep you company along the way.
A Call to Therapy
By Andy Williams, LCSW
In hindsight it feels a bit inevitable that I ended up a therapist, as I have always had a deep curiosity about the mind and how others construct and experience their inner worlds. And yet, as I began college, the idea that such curiosity could find expression in an academic pursuit, let alone a long-term profession, was nowhere on my radar. Originally a biology major with a love of the outdoors, I had visions of playing in the woods for a living (although hadn’t really thought through whether or how one might get paid to do so). I was only taking an introductory psychology course to satisfy a social sciences requirement, and then another because it was interesting and why not, then a couple more and maybe I’ll minor in psychology, and then wow this zoology lab course is really a lot harder than I thought and by the way that Carl Jung guy had some pretty wild ideas about the universal unconscious and suddenly I’m being handed a diploma that reads “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.”
Not sure what to do with a degree in psychology and with only vague notions of the additional education and licensure required for many of the jobs in the field, I took a position as a direct care worker on the psychiatric floor of a local hospital, and knew immediately that I was where I was supposed to be. While it was the big ideas, classic experiments, and elegant theories that had attracted me to psychology as an undergraduate student, it was through the practice of connecting with and supporting those in psychological distress that I found my calling. A move from Asheville, where I had gone to college, back to the Triangle, where I had grown up, led me to spend several years working at a residential program for adolescents in Durham, and in a fun twist of fate to sometimes pursue my original career goal of playing in the woods--even now, I can vividly recall warm summer evenings spent accompanying teens along stretches of the Eno River, grateful to be out of the group home for a few hours and not realizing then just how powerful such interventions could be. In time, I decided that clinical social work would allow me the best opportunity to continue the relational approach to helping others that I had come to see as so valuable to the change process, and graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill in 2007 with my Masters in Social Work.
Nearly 20 years since those first, formative experiences as a professional, I am excited to join Raleigh Psychology with a continued passion for helping others to navigate the many internal and external challenges that life presents. I have spent much of my professional career working with individuals and families at the highest levels of our mental health system, including most recently as the Director of Clinical Services for an inpatient psychiatric hospital, and while these experiences have taught me a lot about therapy and provided opportunities to learn different models of care, they have also highlighted the amazing resilience and adaptability of the human spirit in the face of incredible life disruptions and traumas. It is with a spirit of humility, curiosity, and collaboration that I seek to engage in the therapeutic relationship, and hope you will find my experience and approach to be helpful. While I may not spend my days exploring the outdoors as I once imagined, I have been privileged to explore the much richer and mysterious topography of the human experience, a journey I look forward to continuing in this new practice setting.
Mindfulness in the Time of COVID
By Andy Williams, LCSW
The thoughts of everything that had happened and everything I still had left to do before the day was over splashed about in my head as my daughters, ages two and four, shrieked and splashed with their toys in the bath. It was not that today had been any more difficult or stressful than any other day recently, in fact quite the opposite--it was the monotony of routine and the unrelenting demands of both work and home life that for some reason had reached a tipping point this evening, and I found myself increasingly preoccupied with a dull aching mixture of anxiety and fatigue. Continuing to supervise bathtime, my mind drifted again to the chores that remained for the evening--finish bath, help get pj’s on, comb hair, read nighttime stories, fold laundry, clean kitchen, change cat litter, check and respond to work emails, and oh yeah tomorrow is trash and recycling day so I have to remember to get the bins to the curb. Vaguely aware that my daughters were still alive and well in the bath three feet away, and mustering as much self-pity as I could find, I wondered to myself is this it? Is this what life is? A series of chores and tasks and to-do’s making one day indistinguishable from the next?
The response to this question, which was essentially “yes, this is it,” has had a lasting impact on me as both a person and a professional therapist. Sitting on the floor of my bathroom, soap bubbles standing in for the proverbial lightbulb which had just gone off in my head, I felt a deep, profound, and immediate shift in my being. Intellectually familiar with the concept of mindfulness but with no real experience in its practice, I recognized just how much of my life was spent in the future or past tense, and just how powerful the immediacy of the present moment could be. While I was still aware of the need to complete the many items on my mental to-do list, I also saw clearly, for the first time, that approaching each moment with intention and without judgment, being fully present in the act of living rather than an annoyed and weary bystander, was a choice I had the freedom to make.
Fast forward almost a decade and I am again reminded of the power of the present moment as we navigate the sudden challenges and changes that have come as a result of COVID-19. The rhythms and routines that once brought comfort, or at the very least familiarity, have for many of us been stripped away, with new demands on our time and resources, and new roles we have been asked to take on. While the mindful epiphany described above was a seminal moment in my psychological maturation, it was not a vaccination where a single dose could protect me from all future life-stressors. Rather, the practice of mindfulness is probably more akin to flossing, a habit that is best when done daily, helping to prevent the build-up of harmful psychological plaque, and while I would love to tell you that I have maintained a disciplined mindfulness practice for the past 8 or 9 years, it takes events like we are experiencing now to remind me of the importance of intentionally staying present-focused (and if I have been inconsistent in my own practice of mindfulness, let’s just say my dentist would not be too impressed with my flossing effort either).
Supervising bathtime is no longer on my to-do list, and it’s funny to think about missing a time in my life that, when I was living it, felt so stressful. I assume that these current challenges will also be looked at with a mix of relief and nostalgia once they are in the rear-view mirror, but who knows when that might be. For now, I try to approach each moment as an opportunity, to simply be even as I’m doing. The cat litter still needs changed, there are even more dishes than usual with four of us eating all of our meals at home, and it’s Monday, which means time to put the trash cart at the curb. Life has taken on a new rhythm and I am doing my best to move with the right tempo. Who knows, maybe I’ll even pull out the floss this evening.
Hypocrisy 101
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Mt 7:3)
No matter your religious beliefs, I bet you can see the paradox and the irony in this statement. Whether it be a roommate, a spouse, or a co worker, do you find it comes quite easily to you to point out their faults? Your roommate showers at the WORST times....doesn’t she know you are getting up for boot camp at 5:30??? Nope, you forgot to tell her and just assumed she should overlook those awful smelling sneakers that you keep forgetting to put away because you are too rushed when you come home to shower, and too busy to....blah, blah, blah. And that bathroom counter. Your husband leaves out his razor, hair gel, and soap that you just can’t stand to look at every day. Yet your moisturizer, face wash, toner, eye makeup remover, ring stand, and used tampon wrapper hardly leave any space to see the counter top. Of course you have a “system” and have everything in its special place because you use it all every day. But couldn’t he just take 10 seconds to put away his things?!?! Okay office cubicle mate, you knew I was coming for you next. Were you not listening in the staff meeting when they repeated the rule that personal calls were only meant for your breaks? You don’t really care that your office mate’s mother-in-law has an in-grown toenail that needs to be removed! Her phone works in the bathroom, too! Yet you ask her to overlook your heinous smelling lunch concoctions so that you can eat and “work” at the same time, because you just have to leave 30 minutes early to make it to happy hour.
I think you are probably catching my drift at this point. It is so much easier to criticize, pick at, complain about, and focus on the supposed “faults” of others, despite our own glaring obnoxious habits, eccentricities, and downright nastiness. We all have it. The post from last week referenced the comparison game we hate-to-love-to play, yet we somehow don’t like it as much if it means acknowledging our faults. Similarly, I would like you to shift your focus back to yourself. When you are so irritated, annoyed, and tempted to lash out, ask yourself if you have a part. When your roommate/spouse/coworker seems incredibly insensitive, ask yourself if there is something you have done to make their home/workplace less comfortable or inviting. If you want to be really brave, ask for feedback on what kind of roommate, spouse, or suitemate you are! Ouch, did you just cringe? I don’t blame you, it’s a scary thing, but growth and self-reflection are worth it in the long run, but may sting a bit at the start!