"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall"
Ah yes, that title of course stems from the age-old story of the queen who felt the need to be the most beautiful in the kingdom. As she gazed into the mirror she longed to hear that she indeed was second to none in appearance. Hearing that there was another “fairer” sent her into a murderous rage. Now I would be willing to venture a guess that feeling “less than” another does not send you on a mission to kill all of those who are better than you are in a particular area. However, how often do you feel a pang of envy when a co-worker comes up with a great idea or gets promoted over you? How often do you walk into a room and compare your attire, looks, or net worth with that of the others in the room? Or perhaps you compare your current self to a former version of yourself that you preferred—a younger, more toned, outgoing self? I have a dream (little shout out to the King here).....that one day people will be able to look into the mirror with a more balanced view of themselves. Acknowledge the skin imperfections, the fine lines, and the slightly receding hairlines, but also see the sense of wonder and hope in the eyes, the joy in the smile, and the strength within.
What would it take for you to look into the mirror and acknowledge the beauty before you? Cindy Crawford apparently allowed a photo of her to be released to the public that was not altered beyond recognition. We all applaud. Jamie Lee Curtis then adds a picture of herself with what could have been a bathing suit from the 50s. Uh...thanks? I am struck by the fact that we care. That we elevate others to a place of power over us that we can finally breathe a sigh of relief when we learn that others have imperfections. You have probably heard the phrase that there will always be someone prettier, smarter, and more talented than you are. But I wonder if that sometimes leaves us to wonder.....then who am I? What makes me worthwhile? What makes me feel alive and worthwhile? If we knew the answers to these questions, I wonder if we could stop the endless game of comparison. In this game, no one wins. We make assumptions about others and objectify them based on our own conception of them, and we miss the beauty in them as well.
Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I dare you. Learn to embrace and cherish the reflection. For what you see and for all of the awe-inspiring beauty that is waiting to be discovered.... when you quit asking or caring about, “who is the fairest of them all.”
Fear-Based Decision Making
In reading some of the heated articles and social media discussions on the vaccine debate, I have wondered why this discussion is so important to people. One possibility is that it taps into genuine fear...The fear that innocent and naïve children will attempt to fight serious illnesses on vulnerable immune systems. And perhaps the fear that vaccinations might reduce this likelihood, but at what cost? The fear that vaccinations will harm healthy children and cause them to become autistic. The fear that too many vaccinations at one time will create brain swelling and overwhelm a little body without the ability to fight back. And possibly, ultimately the fear that we will make the wrong choice on behalf of our children.
Perhaps this is such a hot topic because we are afraid... as a society... to make the wrong choice. And perhaps this leads to indecision or inaction. You might be thinking to yourself that you are not a parent and that you will think about that when the time comes. Fair enough. But how often do we operate from the same principle and make / not make decisions based out of fear? Do we stay in unhealthy / destructive relationships for fear that no one else will ever love us? It can be tempting to stay with what feels comfortable and safe, even if the relationship you are in is nothing like the love you know is possible. Do we keep ourselves hidden from honest and genuine relationship for fear we will be rejected or unwanted? You can convince yourself that the side of yourself you show to others is more loveable than if they knew the real you, even though you ache with loneliness and desire meaningful relationship.
How has fear contributed to your story? Does fear keep you from getting on an airplane or on a boat? Does fear keep you at home or away from large social gatherings? Perhaps you had a difficult experience that you can’t shake which tells you that you are better off not taking the risk. Maybe it’s true. But what if it’s not? What if you have been believing a lie and allowing fear to cloud your better judgment? It might be time to take a step toward living without constant fear.
Measles and Gratification
Before you ask me if I have lost my mind with that title, I shall explain. The words that social media and news outlets are often pairing with “measles” these days include “outbreak” and “vaccines” and “Disneyland.” After the Disneyland outbreak, vaccines are once again making a surge at headlines and significant controversy regarding folks in either camp. I have a solution that I don’t think anyone has proposed yet, but is worth a voice! Why don’t we just ask the kids?!?! Let’s ask the 12 month old if he would like the MMR vaccine! Show them a needle and then explain the potential long term benefits of receiving the vaccine and let them decide! At that age, everything goes in their mouth, so the infant would likely endeavor to put the needle in their mouth, but aside from that, I don’t see any problems with this. But seriously now, what about this topic engenders such heated opinion? From a psychological perspective, there are a few things I find worthwhile. Today we will examine the cognitive and in the next post, the emotional.
I just hinted at one with the picture of the small child shoving a needle in their own mouth. The idea of instant versus delayed gratification. Parents agonize over watching their infants and small children endure painful shots, which not only cause initial discomfort, but can also sometimes create discomfort for the following 24-48 hours. My grandmother, for one, decided that that plan was for the birds and that she was NOT going to allow her children to endure this. Alas, my mother got the measles, but she is alive to tell the story today. (SPOILER: This is not the point in the blog post where I share my vaccination opinion. That is for each family to weigh with an educated opinion, informed not just from social media, but hopefully from well-respected researchers in reputable peer-reviewed publications. Note: Jenny McCarthy does not qualify in the aforementioned description.)
At that moment, it would be easier to allow the child to experience temporary comfort as it does feel rather cruel to watch your child endure pain right before your eyes—and you SIGNED a form ASKING them to do that! The irony! Most other forms of child harm would sign you up to receive a call from child protective services...but not this one. And of course the other side of the coin....what if your child was at the doctor’s office for a runny nose and exposed to a much more serious illness, like the measles? You would then agonize over your child’s severe discomfort and potentially life threatening health consequences. What if, what if, what if.....and here’s where the long-term and delayed gratification argument becomes only a potential circumstance.
In what other ways do we make decisions based on instant or delayed gratification? Going to see an amazing theatrical performance or putting that $100 away to save for a car, house, etc......spending endless hours practicing a sport or an instrument in order to hone a skill.....finishing your degree when so many other priorities vie for your attention….warming up a Trader Joe's enchilada or taking the time to cook a meal….the list goes on.
Are you someone that lives your life more for what feels good at the moment? Or do you consider the long-term consequences for your decisions before you make them?
Embrace the Crazy
By Amy Rauch, PsyD
My PhD-in-psychology cousin provided me with the best and final myth. Thank you!
Myth 4: "Only Crazy People Go To Therapy"
I love this one because it also begs the question as to who is crazy. Is a person crazy that sees or hears things that others don't? How about someone that copes with life stresses by....eating? eating and purging? drinking exorbitant amounts of alcohol? Unsuccessfully attempting to control their life and and that of everyone around them out of fear? Is a person crazy that views the world from a lens in which they are a perpetual victim and at the mercy of circumstance? Is a person crazy that is in a perpetually sad state that can't seem to see the light? Or how about the person that finds themselves in unhealthy relationships time and time again? Or just under employed because they are too afraid to apply for a promotion for fear they will be rejected? Or the parent that has difficulty giving themselves grace for the daily struggles of raising a child...berating themselves for the wasted food thrown on the floor, the tantrum thrown at target, or the amount of TV their little ones watch?
Crazy is such a relative term. Could it be that we all have a degree of crazy? And the above myth's implication that only crazy people go to therapy could actually be embraced...that all of us are a bit crazy and that all of us could benefit from an honest look at ourselves and an objective look at where we have been, where we are, and where we would like to go??
Objectivity, clarity, opportunity for reflection and a safe place to be able to be honest with ourselves and someone else about things that matter to us....these are the gifts I hope to give my clients through the course of therapy. And I do this with individuals and couples at all levels of crazy....and can we now agree that every one of us has some crazy? And that learning to embrace and harness the crazy makes life all that much more beautiful?
I Have a Say in Therapy? What?
By Amy Rauch, PsyD
Yesterday we talked about the fact that some don't understand what therapy is and "torment" me with their misconceptions. Yes, I can be a bit dramatic! Today is the second of three posts dedicated to dispelling some basic myths.
Myth 2: "If I start going to therapy, I won't ever stop."
You may know someone who has been in therapy for half of their life and assume that therapy is a life-long endeavor for everyone. This decision is ENTIRELY up to you. You are the consumer and you make the decision about this. If asked, your therapist might ask you what your goals are and then offer ways in which you might benefit from developing additional insight / work on that particular area, but if you are unmotivated or disinterested in doing so, it would be a pointless endeavor anyhow. It is also a fair question in an initial interview to ask how long a client with your presenting issue (anxiety, depression, relationship issues, etc.) typically stays in therapy with that therapist OR what kind of outcomes has the therapist had with clients with your presenting issue. Is that crazy to even think about asking? Did you get a little but uncomfortable when you read it? Yes, more of that shift from the first myth (in the last post) but would make for good conversation. While the therapist may not have a straight answer, they should at least be able to provide a loose time frame for when you can expect to feel better.
Myth 3: "I can't tell my therapist when I don't like something they say or do"
Yes, absolutely you can! That is such great information for the therapist to know and to discuss. Every client is different and has unique preferences and, while your therapist may be particularly observant and notice your shift in body language or tone, it would be even better for you to communicate that directly. Your therapist can take it....you won't hurt their feelings or offend them....and if it does, they are in the wrong field and it's better you find that out now!!! When I first meet a client I am very curious about past experiences in therapy because I want to know what has worked, what has not worked, and what they got out of the experience as a whole.