Turning a Relational Oops Into a Relational Opportunity
One of the most hair-pulling parts of parenting is disciplining well. Even harder is when we’re trying to teach our kids how to treat others well and we catch ourselves (or they catch us!) not living up to our own standards. How can parents teach their kids – and teach in a way that will “stick” for life – when we don’t always behave as we say we believe?
As a therapist working with kids and their parents, I hear the freight and the fragility of the question. It’s a big responsibility raising a kid – so much is in your hands and so much is totally outside your control (in some ways you are and in some ways you aren’t responsible for “how they turn out”). Navigating how to be a good enough parent can feel like a full time job in itself.
What I want to share loud and clear today comes from Dr. Garry Landreth, a pioneering counselor and researcher in Child-Centered Play Therapy. What I want you to hear from him is this:
“The most important thing may not be what you do but what you do after what you have done.”
No one is a perfect parent. Everyone makes mistakes. And when there is a rupture in a parent-child relationship, parents have this incredible opportunity to repair and reconnect. Not only does owning when we’ve made mistakes model humility for children, it also communicates that we love them enough to admit we’re wrong (which everyone knows is so, so hard) and to try to rebuild what is broken.
One way to circle back and repair is to take responsibility for what you did:
“Hey, do you remember when I did/said ___ earlier today? I shouldn’t have done that because I know better, but in that moment I did ___ instead. I’m sorry.”
Validating the emotion or response your child offers is a way of developing empathy in your relationship. Maybe they’re angry – “I can see why you would still be angry about it. I shouldn’t have done that and it probably still hurts.” – or maybe they’re sad – “That was really hard for you when I did/said that. I see that now and wish I’d seen that then.”
Responding in a way like this can not only help repair your current relationship with your child but can also model for them how to handle future relationships when (not if!) things go sideways. The story is not over even when the moment has passed. The next time you think back with a tinge of regret and acknowledge that there could have been a better way to respond, will you embrace that as an opportunity?
If this has stirred something in you about one of your relationships – maybe as a parent, a child, a partner, or even a friend – and would want someone to walk with you through improving that relationship, I would look forward to serving you.